We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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