A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
