Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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