he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had to coat check the pizza.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
