Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
