THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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