This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize