New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
