Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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