Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
