She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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