I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
