K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
