he wants to bone in the snuggie
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
