Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
