So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
