Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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