it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
