i wish peter jackson would direct porn
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
