new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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