my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
