i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
