just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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