You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
