Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
