you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
