Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
