as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
