If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i drank out of a bidet.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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