i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
