I should be sponsored by Trojan
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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