the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
