I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
