I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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