My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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