she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I forget how to act sober
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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