lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
