Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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