I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
