Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
