he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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