We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
