I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm having to shit out rocks
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
