So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
