what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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