I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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