Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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