did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
