yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Success! We fucked roommates!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
