Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
