I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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